FAQs -- First Edition

Good evening Americans, I am coming to you live from rainy Beirut. Unless you're reading this after I post it, in which case it is pre-typed. Hope you're all doing well and surviving your own rainy weather.

I finally got tired of avoiding the rain and ventured out to the mall today. I took a taxi from the mall back home and the bearded yet balding driver took one look at me and said in broken English, “Where are you from?” I've taken dozens of taxis at this point and there has not been one taxi driver that hasn't asked me this question.

I said in Arabic, “How do you know I'm not Lebanese?” He chuckled, which apparently was an appropriate response. The silence continued until I finally said, “America. How did you know that?”

“Your face.”

“My face? My face is American? Both my parents are Lebanese, how is my face not Lebanese?”

He said, “It's just different.”

A few moments of silence while I pondered this new information. Apparently if you raise a child in a different country their face will be from that country, even though genetically they are not. What does an American face look like, I wonder? Fat? Is my face fat?

“Ah, America!” he suddenly exclaimed. “I lived there for a few years. In Michigan! Where are you from?”

“California.”

“Ah! We're neighbors!”

Whatever, just get me where I want to go neighbor. I then wished to revisit my purchases and make sure that I got the correct change, although it's silly to do it in the taxi on the way home because what would I do if they didn't give me the correct change? It's a self-satisfaction sort of thing, I guess. So I stopped talking to him. And he started fidgeting with his own front seat objects so I assumed he didn't want to talk to me anymore either. Wrong.

“See! Look!” He pulled out his Michigan driver's license and began to flail it around the back seat while still attempting to skirt around cars driving too slow.

“Oh, wow. Michigan, that's great!” I said. “Lots of Lebanese in Michigan.” Dear God please stop swerving this car, how in the hell did they issue that license to you anyway?

“Yeah, you say hello to anyone and they greet you with 'Marhaba!'” To which he again chuckled wholeheartedly. It was now that I noticed he was missing a tooth and I couldn't believe anyone could fit the stereotype of an Arab taxi driver more than he until he said the following.

“What are you doing in Lebanon?”

“Oh, just getting to know the family.”

“Oh, yeah? How old are you?”

“22.”

“Oh, so are you getting to know your family or are you looking for a husband?”

Did I just hear correctly? What is this country where a woman over the age of twenty is strange when her immediate life goals do not include a man, a child, or an apron?

“Getting to know my family.” I said.

“No husband?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Because I'm too young.”

He scoffed this time. Well, aren't you a treat Mr. Taxi Man. He then said, “Surely, you want to get married.”

I almost said, “No, and don't call me Shirley,” but I don't think he would have laughed and that would have annoyed me more than I was already annoyed so I just settled with, “No, I really don't.”

“Doesn't your family want you to get married?”

“Yep, they do.”

“I think you will.”

“Okay, thanks, you can drop me off here.”

When he pulled over he gave me a big toothless smile and said, “Whenever you want to go anywhere you give me a call, I will take you anywhere because you are American and you are my neighbor.” And then he drove off without giving me his name or number. I stood there for a few seconds trying to figure out if that really just happened until I realized it was still pouring and my American face was freezing.

It almost frustrates me that I'm not being recognized as Lebanese. When I arrived here and the airport official looked at my Lebanese card and asked me, "Are you Lebanese?" I was so confused. Wasn't he looking at proof that I was? It's frustrating because I wanted to come get the experience of what it is like to live in Lebanon but I feel like I'm getting special treatment. Is this the fate of an Arab American? Never regarded as a full American but never treated as an Arab?

This is off topic but I would like to share a conversation happening this very moment between my grandmother and the maid, Rikka, who is not acting crazy anymore and stayed with us. She is trying to learn Arabic by asking my grandmother to translate phrases in English.

Rikka: I'm hungry.
Teta: You are hungry? Go eat.
Rikka: No, no. Arabic. I'm hungry.
Teta: You're angry?
Rikka: No! Hungry!
Teta: Oh, jaani.
Rikka. Jaani.
Teta: Go eat!

If you've ever wondered what Abbot and Costello would say if they were Arab then there you go.

Anyway, I have been getting a lot of similar questions from my friends about my experience so I decided to include a FAQs (frequently asked questions) entry because that is just how generous I am.

Q: Are you married yet?
A: No. But my grandmother whispers on the phone quite frequently about who was very impressed by me and who was asking about me and who was actually there just to meet me and I didn't know and don't dare tell me. She actually believes I don't realize what is going on here? (You hear that Mom and Dad and Aunt Layla? I know what she says when she's talking to you.) I'm not the type of girl who thinks that all the boys are after me but when you change seats three times and the same 32-year-old man sits next to you and asks you questions like, “So, what do you do? Where did you go to school? Isn't Los Angeles a desert?” then you can sort of figure it out. But I quickly channeled Elizabeth Bennet and spoke to him with detached class. Actually, I ran away whenever I saw him, so I think he got the point. Maybe he can spread the rumor that I'm a snobby and picky American who thinks she's too good to marry anyone, which I really wouldn't mind at all.

Q: How are women treated there?
A: I have not felt like I couldn't do something or go somewhere because of my gender, and for the most part, no man has made me feel uncomfortable or demeaned. Actually, the men here are quite respectful, especially when they can tell you aren't from Lebanon, which is apparently obvious in my case. Don't get me wrong, there is still a long way to go for gender equality. One of the bigger issues is domestic abuse. If a husband hits his wife it is not considered a crime. So basically a man can do whatever he pleases in his own home and there really wouldn't be anyone to tell him otherwise. And there are still hardly any women in government or religious roles. But I'm not a sociologist or gender expert so I'm not going to start analyzing that. I can just talk about my own experience, which is that the people who make me most uncomfortable about me being an independent woman are women. I have heard the phrase “she acts like a man” more times than I can count from my older female relatives, the television, even sometimes peers my age. And we already know how people react when I dare to say I don't want to get married. I'm sure they're talking about me behind my back, but I really don't care. When your family is Lebanese then someone will always be talking about you. But they'll talk about you less if you follow these rules:

1. Always have your hair and nails done. Do not put your hair up in a ponytail, this is messy. And do not step outside without make up on, people will think you don't care about yourself.
2. Make sure your eyebrows are always shaped. Try to get them tattooed, the more unnatural they look the more Lebanese your face will seem to taxi drivers. And remember, men don't want to marry a woman with a mustache.
3. Avoid the following masculine activities: hiking, camping, anything to do with nature that could possibly upset your hair or make up. The bare elements will bring out your bare elements, and Allah forbid anyone see your lips do not really have a dark red lining. (You can get that tattooed as well.)
4. Do not tempt men with too much thigh or cleavage. But also do not wear plain clothing that doesn't show off your body in a tasteful way. We're not in the stone ages, after all.
5. Don't be fat. But don't be skinny. Strive to be as beautiful as the images you see on television. But have a healthy body image!
6. Don't smoke, drink, or stay out too late. Don't let the neighbors see you come home late, especially if a man is dropping you off. After all it is a truth universally acknowledged that a single Arab man in possession of a mediocre fortune must be in want of a virgin.

Q: Is it diverse in Lebanon?
A: The first thing I noticed when I got here was that there sure are a lot of Arabs. So, no, not really. There are a few hip, young white people strolling about either studying abroad or traveling, mostly European. Most of the diversity comes from the working class who as I have already said come from South Asia and the Philippines.

Q: Do they speak English?
A: The Lebanese people have an unbelievable talent for languages. Most can speak Arabic, French and English. But I have never seen a country with such an identity crisis. They sing Happy Birthday first in English, then in Arabic, and then in French. And the poor kid just wants to make his wish and eat the cake already. Sorry kid, you can't have your gateau and eat it too. When they answer the phone they say, “Bonjour,” when you do them a favor they say, “Merci,” when they hang up the phone they say, “Bye.” There are a lot of complicated reasons for a lack of a Lebanese identity, which in my opinion is the root of all of Lebanon's problems. Maybe that is their identity, that they are Western and Arab all in one and that they are separated and united all in one. And I use the word “united” loosely. But that does not have to do with speaking English. Yes, they speak English.

Q: What's the hardest thing to get used to?
A: Well, I have quickly come to realize that Lebanese people are the same everywhere and that if you are raised in a Lebanese household you will not be shocked by the characteristics that could make Lebanese people a little bit, um, shocking. I am not afraid when someone who went to school with my grandmother's brother's middle son's cousin's neighbor's wife kisses me on the cheeks and hugs me too close to their old man armpits. I am not afraid when I see a table full of food and a chunky widow coming at me with a spoonful of tabbouleh. Quite the contrary. But they can be really frank about things that Lebanese Americans don't say because they have come to understand American faux paus. Such as they will call you fat, say your clothes don't look good, ask who you voted for, ask how much money you make, what your religion is, how much your house costs, why you're not married, if you're interested in a nose job, etc. etc. They're not trying to be rude, these things just aren't considered private matters here. Luckily most of the above has not been directed towards me because I think my family and friends are literally afraid of scaring me off. Except the nose job. That one was from my grandmother. What I simply can't get used to though is their lack of structure. They're really flaky. Again, they don't mean to be rude. Their way of life is, “Relax. No problem.” Which can explain why there are a lot of problems.

Q: How do Lebanese people feel about Americans?
A: As mentioned in a previous entry and which I'm sure you have memorized as you should everything I say, my grandmother is famous for remembering birthdays. Once she was rattling off every family member who had a birthday in December and she proudly said, “I'm pretty good at birthdays.” Her sister said, “Pretty good? Sister, I'm sure you know Bush's birthday.” In short, they don't like Bush. Sr. and Jr. And other than that I can't possibly tell you because Lebanese people are so divided in their opinions that I'm not even sure I can tell you how they feel about Lebanon. From what I've deciphered, they are generally positive about President Obama although they think he can be more daring when it comes to the Middle East. They think Americans are capitalists whose lives revolve around making money, and I'm not sure how wrong they are about that one. This apparently explains why I want to work and not get married. They like Baskin Robbins. They also love the movie 2012. Like really, really love it.

This entry is becoming extremely long so I will call this the first edition of FAQs and when I receive more questions I will update it. Although I'm sure this has all been so thorough that you could not possibly have any more doubts as to what Lebanon is really about. Why does everyone say summarizing the Middle East is so complicated?

Anyway, I start my job February 1st and I am quite excited! I go in on Monday for a “preliminary briefing”, which makes it sound like I'm the President and that is awesome. Finally, getting a little responsibility around here. I thought my American face and capitalist need for money would have gotten me a job sooner than this.

I've had a really homesick past few weeks and I miss you all so much. Please avoid tornadoes as I hear they may come visit you in Southern California and please also have an amazing rest of your week.